The Warning
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The ConspiracyYou send me your poems,
I'll send you mine.
Things tend to awaken
even through random communication
Let us suddenly
proclaim spring. And jeer
at the others,
all the others.
I will send a picture too
if you will send me one of you.
-Robert Creeley
The internet is fun. I use it to keep in touch daily with old friends who live far, far away, to research everything under the moon, and recently, though a series of strange circumstances, have made a great friend or two. In real life, I am somewhat intimidating to those who don't know me well, (as evidenced by a friend's finace's declaration, "You don't scare me anymore, you know,") and that can be magnified when left unattended at a computer.
Let's look at a couple IM conversations:
(as I look at an online wedding photo album):
Kasey Version2K4 :ps, I kinda want to make out with the bridesmaid with bangs.
Recently Married Guy (RMG)* :the one with the black hair?
Kasey Version2K4 : dude, yeah.
RMG : hahahaa
RMG : that's my sister.
Kasey Version2K4 : whoops.
or:
Kasey Version2K4 :are you buying a house?
Kasey Version2K4 : how are you so grown up?
Friend of a Friend of a Friend that I've Never Even Met (FFFINEM) :condo
FFFINEM : that's all i can afford where i want to move
Kasey Version2K4 : man alive.
Kasey Version2K4 : that's scary.
FFFINEM :a bit....but i'm tired of waiting
Kasey Version2K4 :good for you.
Kasey Version2K4 : so when I quit my job because I've decided that I'm over working, I'll have somewhere to go.
Kasey Version2K4 : thanks!
Kasey Version2K4 : you are a good man.
FFFINEM: perfect...i'll make sure to find a two bedroom
Kasey Version2K4 : wait
Kasey Version2K4 : are we planning on having kids right away?
Kasey Version2K4 : because I kind of wanted a little "us" time first
FFFINEM : holy creepy
But I think my greatest accomplishment was an email that I recently sent to to an aquantance that I haven't seen or spoken to in five or six years. He found me on friendster, and sent a short hello and mentioned that my profile was amusing. Here was my reply:
"Ah, Mr. Guy I Barely Knew Six Years Ago (GIBKSYA), you flatter me. And such high praise from one of the funniest kids I've ever met? Everytime Mac would mention that he was on the phone with you or emailing you, I would shriek, 'TELL HIM I LOVE HIM!!!!' I'm pretty sure he didn't though, because Mac isn't as fond of scaring people as I am.
Even since I heard that you were in the DC area, I've been pressuring Bryan to set you up on a man date with someone I've dubbed 'My Boyfriend Another-Guy-I-Barely-Know,' or MBAGIBK, because of his abilty to make me laugh harder than just about anyone I've ever met. I have visions of the two of you romping through poppy fields, holding hands as your girlfriends look on, shaking their heads and wondering where they lost you two. Seriously. It would be love at first joke, I know it. You would feed him peeled grapes (or maybe he'd feed you, I haven't decided who's the giver and who's the taker yet) that he would promptly spit out as a result of one of your quips.
Yes, GIBKSYA, this is what I spend my days plotting. It might be time for a life. As for what else I do when not plotting your homoeroctic liason with some stranger, I'm just managing/serving at a little italian place near my apartment in rainy Portland. Actually the highlight of my day today has been popping a blister I got on my last 14 hour shift...now THAT'S entertainment.
Hope your life is more exciting than mine
-Kasey"
Oh man. I'm still chuckling about that one. Oddly enough, I have not heard back from him. Pussy.
I enjoy screening potential friends by frightening them within an inch of their life. It may seem like an unwise technique, but it has served me well in the past. My first words to gijyun were "YOU STUPID BITCH," and I now have access to basically all of her personal accounts and she mine. So if, through a few random encounters, you find me to be a psychotic nutcase, it probably just means I like you a whole bunch. Of course, sometimes this leads to a hot lesbian trying to trick you into coming to her place so she can "explore" with you, but hey, nothing's foolproof.
*names have been changed to protect the terrified.
