Just keep quiet and nobody will notice
There is something about a Martini,
A tingle remarkably pleasant;
A yellow, a mellow Martini;
I wish I had one at present.
There is something about a Martini,
Ere the dining and dancing begin,
And to tell you the truth,
It is not the vermouth--
I think that perhaps it's the gin.
-Ogden Nash
I attended a thrilling, five and a half hour alcohol class for my job the other day. Truly the highlight of my week, especially when my fellow classmates (who obviously have no one to talk to in their real lives) took up hours relating pointless stories that managed to prolong the agony of this truly awful experience.
I started off with a bad attitude, I must admit. I thought that nothing worthwhile could come of me listening to things I already knew while paying the State of Oregon to do it. How very wrong I was. We were actually provided with this handy dandy chart (almost identical to the chart at right), used in aiding us in identifying "visibly intoxicated people."
As I skimmed the list, I found something quite disconcerting. "Loud speech." Hmm. "Bravado." "Overly animated or entertaining." Umm..."Boisterous." "Overly friendly." It seemed that the very first five signs described yours truly on a day to day basis. Upon further examination, it seems that of the fifty signs, I show no less than 26 every. single. day. Things like, "inappropriate comments," "clumsy, uncoordinated" and "mussed hair" are some of my most defining characteristics. And according to my instructor, anyone showing more than a couple of these signs is clearly inebriated.
Evidently, my clumsiness and overbearing personality are not character flaws! It seems that I am drunk on a continual basis. Now, I'm not quite sure how this has been happening, since lately I have been somewhat modest in my habits, but I am not ruling out the possibility that I might be the second coming of the lord, and have been changing my water and diet cokes to wine inadvertently.
It's somewhat eye opening to realize that your worst suspicions about yourself are true. We've all had those nights where, due to some sweet, potent nectar, we say too much, knock something large over or stick our massive, wide feet in our mouths. Now I want you to imagine doing that on a continual basis, and you might have an inkling of what my life is like. At least I know that I would be a fantastic alcoholic. No one would notice any difference.
Good times.
::
2 Comments:
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in my contry alcohol is considered a crime.
By
anne lynn, at 2:55 PM
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This whole alcoholism thing is over rated. Way back when I use to drink with Keats no one batted an eyelid if you drank 3 bottles of wine a day. The worlds just go soft.
By
Poetry Politics and Piracy
http://judaspenrose.blogspot.com Unknown, at 8:54 AM
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